20 Milligrams

34 ACH

Ashes to ashes. PAS is gone, but here we are alive. Most of us. I remember seeing Adele at the docking bay with Reece, making it onto a shuttle, and right then nothing else mattered.

Goddamn Carter. The fleet needed him. No. Frak the fleet, Rhea needed him. That was enough. That was cute, the kiss thing. They'll be happy together. If they try to frak on that gurney I'll kick his ass. I'll miss them.

Three days he was down. Frakking morpha, I couldn't think, I had to get off it. I needed to think. 20 mg. The pills are red, tiny. Nobody missed them. 20 minutes later everything was so clear. I could walk around, didn't hurt, and I could focus like a microscope had been installed in my mind. So much energy, and damned if I didn't feel so frakking good. Worked on Carter, worked on everything. No food, no sleep, nothing but what I needed to do, I was perfect. Frakker woke up. Thank the gods.

54 hours later. 200 mg later. Carter functional. I might be able to catch some sleep. I went to the head and in the mirror I shocked myself by the look on my face. I saw so much wear that was never there before. For some reason I opened my mouth as wide as I could with my hands and I realized I am human. Bones, flesh, and skin that I saw right then. One man. Started seeing shadows in the corner, moving around. 450 people in the shadows. For some reason right then they were all my fault.

Crashing. Couldn't sleep. Heartrate 140. Went to the Carina and don't even remember going now.

Comedown. Two seronol to knock myself out, wasn't enough. Thirteen hours asleep and when I woke up I wished I hadn't. Everything hurt, my head hurt, my teeth hurt. Stomach was killing me but I was desperately starving. Couldn't move. Couldn't think, couldn't breathe. Everything had crashed. Didn't know what I was doing, just that suddenly it wasn't worth doing anymore. Nothing was worth it. I wanted to die. Her voice kept me alive. Only her voice.

Don't remember how I managed to get up and shower. I remember finding my last 20 mg in my pocket and being grateful for only one thing in the world - that pill. 20 minutes later everything was right and I was me again.

6 hours later. Sickbay needs work. Carina needs work. This airlocking protest needs work. My friends need work. Another 20 mg and a drink of water and I can do frakking anything. Maybe 30. I'll try 30 this time.

I'll quit in a few days. Just need to catch up.

I'll quit soon.

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