40 Milligrams

The next crash. Everything is about the next crash. Takes three seronol to sleep. I wake up feeling like utter, frakking, bulldozed shit. My mind is suffocated, I weigh a thousand pounds. Every time it feels worse. Every time I can barely move my hand enough to find the little red ones. 20 mg to wake up. Barely functional. 20 more and I can finally get out of bed.

Persius. I went through everything we got from the Persius. I found what I wanted and I took it, then I lied on the inventory forms. There was a point I couldn't think about anything else. I got the idea to take those instead of the Gen's supply and it's like it exploded in my head. I thought maybe they'd already finished the count and I almost panicked. My hands were shaking, I was sweating. It stopped soon as I got what I wanted.

Feel like I'm going crazy. Almost lost my temper at Rhea. Never done that before. Got it under control. I said I would look out for her and I can't fail her. Not like I did Ephraim. Carter's dead wrong. When you say what you're really thinking it just upsets people. I am alone here.

Ephraim. Frak, his face is in every dream I have. He's always covered in blood and he's always staring at me and shouting Rhea's name. Sometimes Adele is there with him. It all comes up through the seronol and before I know it I'm awake and I'm shaking and I'm sick.

Frak these pills. Can't work without them. Can't think without them. Can't be happy without them.

I need them.

I have to stop. I have to.

Remember years ago watching them detox someone on these. The way they screamed. Scared the shit out of me then. The seronol makes it dangerous, I know that. But I have to tell someone and I have to do it. If I wait too much longer I won't be able to. These moments of thinking clearly will be gone. This one's almost gone now. I can feel it, needing it again. It's been ten hours and I need it.

The next crash. Everything is about the next crash.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License