A Burnt Letter

22 ACH


You're never going to get this letter. But even though you're gone you're still the only person I can talk to. I think I'm doing alright. All things considered. Working and keeping up with Rhea and Reece keeps my mind from latching onto things, unless I'm alone. I caught myself once getting into that drain - as you used to call it - right at the beginning. I stopped it. I have to keep stopping it.

Up here I am a black hole surrounded by beautiful people. I told Reed a few days ago about the night I almost overdosed and he did that thing that everyone does. Sanitized it immediately, told me I turned myself around and got straight, made it sound so wonderful and noble. He wanted to make me into a good person, I guess. I let him think so. It's easier to let people have their hopes than to hope yourself that they'll really listen.

But then I think about Adele and I know damn well I'm not good enough for her. I know that, and I don't know why I keep up this charade that I'm something better than I really am.

You remember the second time I relapsed. When I was 16. I took your wedding ring that night, out of the lockbox with the rest of the money I stole. I would have sold it. I don't remember why I didn't. I just remember that once I was sober again after all that frakking craziness I found it in my pocket and I put it back the way it was. The next day when you sat next to me on the couch you were wearing it for the first time that I'd ever seen you wearing it.

I knew you saw me looking at your hands. I knew you were waiting for me to say something, and I didn't. We sat that way for a real long time in silence before you told me you forgave me, and you went to bed.

I don't know why I'm remembering this now. It was twenty years ago, but you told me once not to let my life pass by without saying the things I should have said.

I'm sorry. That's what I should have said. I'm sorry and I wish you could hear me.

I'm going to burn this, and hope that the gods give it to you. I hope you're in peace.

- Jesse

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