Adele's Journal

19 ACH

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with a journal, but I figure I ought to try to get some of these mostly selfish thoughts out somehow without bogging Jesse, Rhea or Reed down. They have troubles and responsibilities of their own.

So this is life now? A ship, floating in space indefinitely, with what could be the last remnants of all humankind?

I still can't wrap my head around it. Mother, Father, James… Clarence. Dead.

Dead.

Zeke?

Dead.

Maybe if I keep writing the word, it will sink in.

Dead. Gone.

Flatlined.

This is stupid. It's not helping. I'm sitting here writing this, I know I'm supposed to be thinking about everything I've lost, but I'm just thinking about him. Maybe he's just a distraction for me; maybe it's just easier for my brain to reach for the one remaining pleasant part of my life.

Yes, that's it, I'll just use this journal to rationalize away my feelings for him. He's just keeping me from spiraling into self-pity and self-loathing. Nevermind that I spend most of my down time thinking of him - every part of him. Nevermind that my stomach erupts into butterflies whenever I know I'm about to see him. Nevermind that I sat down to try and write some deep thoughts about the destruction of humanity and, instead, it devolved into this.

Gods, I am so naive.

But at least I figured out what I'm supposed to do with a journal.

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