BSG 3000
BSG 3000
Summary: Reed and Zaharis flip through movies on the Hera, and get a little kooky.
Date: 69 ACH
Related Logs: None, but there's some meta humour. See This YouTube clip from Space Mutiny for reference.
Players:
Reed..Zaharis..

Theatre Hera - Deck 4
69 ACH 23817 Souls


This room, complete with stadium seating for twenty, is dominated in the front by a screen, with high intensity projector fastened to the top of the room. Once a Ready Room for pilots briefings, has been remodeled into a top of the line Theater. A handheld computerized remote control allows control of the computerized library of vids available. the library has in it everything from Documentary to Pornography, from 'President Adar: the life and times of a Colonial Leader' to 'Tides of Love 2: Riptides of Passion'. In the side wall, there is a mounted food station with theatre popcorn maker, freezer full of ice cream, fountain drinks and cases stocked with candy. Everything to enjoy your movie experience.


Reed is in the theater, taking notes on something as he stands in front of the opened cupboards, showing the integrated movie computers. He scratches the side of his head, and keeps making notes.

Zaharis is carrying a box of stuff, filched from various areas of the Hera. Try to take that and he might shiv you. Passing by the theatre on his way back to the docking bay, he pauses to take a look inside. The screen is of course the first thing that gets his attention, blank as it is, and his eyes narrow into that slight beginning-of-middle-age squint.

Reed looks at the computer system again, and nods, "Oh, okay, I see how it's organized. Frak, who does it by studio?" He sighs, and shrugs, turning, and noticing the CMO and his box 'O' booty. "Hey." He calls, "How's it going?"

"Sup." Zaharis is still squinting at the screen. Then a brow raises and he looks around at the stadium seating. "Not bad. Place still work?"

Reed nods, "Oh yeah. Place works. Everything works. There's an asinine amount of movies in the system. Eve got a core dump from this mainframe, but the origionals are all here." He gestures to the remote in a front row seat. "All can be controlled from there."

"Yeah?" Zaharis sets the heavy box down, inviting himself to take a stride down to the front row. Scooping up the remote, he eschews the front row for the second. holding the remote up to look over the buttons. "Dial-A-Flick. Ship like this, I'm shocked it's not got a button that just says 'Boobs'."

Reed smirks, looking at his handheld, "You haven't seen the section labeled 'Porn' yet, I can tell, keep scrolling."

"Sleazy mob movies…low-budget action films…waste-of-budget action films…chick flicks…oh, there it is." Zaharis glances at the screen, wrinkling his nose at the porn titles. "It's really tough to have bad taste in porn, but somehow they did it."

Reed shakes his head, "These people took the shotgun approach to their movies. They didn't get bad porn movies, they got all porn movies, and most of them are bad. Kind of like the regular movies. Most of it's crap, but there's good ones in there."

"You know, I don't know what's worse…" Zaharis keeps flipping through the list, remote pointed at the screen. "Fact that they've got all this or fact that you're an expert in porn."

Reed chuckles, "I'm not an expert in porn. I know bad porn and I know good porn, and there's more bad porn in the universe." He smirks, "Kind of like the Colonial Information Network, when it existed. 20 billion people on the colonies. The sheer amount of Mary Sue fanfiction and slashfic from everything from Viper Force Five, to Tides of Love." He shakes his head.

Zaharis flips out of that category, onto horror movies. "Uh huh, you talk like you didn't read it. Come on, I know those Caprican schools didn't keep you busy enough. You had an 'All Your Battlestar are Belong To Us' poster up somewhere."

Reed smiles, "No, that was my superweapon poster. I had that since my academy days." His smile fades, "I guess it.. wasn't much of a joke, was it?"

Zaharis keeps flipping. "Frak it, can't be morose about everything." The cursor stops next to some semi-obscure cult classic horror. "Hey, I remember that one. Wow, that was what…seventeen years ago? Must've been, I remember I saw it on Picon. Don't actually remember a thing about it other than the actress' legs."

Reed shakes his head, "I missed it, but that one, two above it? 'Scales of Doom'? I saw that one. Flying human eating fish that go on a rampage at an Aquaria Marine Biological research center. They.. um, were genetically manipulating the fish or something. Was a while ago."

"Don't remember that one…oh…wait. Oh, hell no." Zaharis has flipped screens again and stopped at a title in Sci-Fi. Suddenly the sound of his laughter comes cracking through the theatre. "Seriously, they have this? I think I walked out of the theatre during the fight scene halfway through."

Reed narrows his eyes, "Wait a minute. Is that the one with the recycled special effects shots from the old Vid show they tried to pass off as theirs? They made that movie on what, twenty cubits and a blowjob in the back of a car?"

"Hahaha…" Zaharis' hearty laughter actually makes those three distinct sounds, then dissolves into something more akin to cackling. "Yeah, that was the one. With the overload of spandex and that group of weird seer women in robes that would dance around in random cut shots. You've seen it."

Reed groans, "Oh gods, worst telepathy portrayal ever. And.. wait wasn't there a scene when they were driving around in golf carts with cardboard over them to make it look sleek, shooting special effect lasers out of.." He looks at Zaharis, "What was it, toilet paper rolls painted black?"

"Yeah. Think those carts were actually floor buffers, though." Zaharis coughs out the rest of his laughter, his shoulders jerking. "I mean, that whole chase scene couldn't have been going more than three miles an hour. Oof." He snorts, flipping down again. "Man, almost makes me want to watch it."

Reed chuckles, nodding, "I think you're right about the floor buffers." He then thinks, "What was the heros name? Slab Beefbroth or something like that?"

"Way off, man," Zaharis shakes his head, pulling his ankle up over his knee. "Big McLargeHuge."

Reed shakes his head, chuckling, "Noo, but I remember he was a weightlifter, like Chunk RockGroin or something like that."

Zaharis snorts. "Butch Deadlift. Or was it Splint Chesthair?"

Reed thinks, "Brock Slamfist?" He shudders, "Oh gods, the hair on the.. Well, I don't want to call her a Heroine, she was twice the heroes age. All done up in sheer tights and hairspray. Lords of Kobol, shield your eyes, the hairspray."

"Man, I thought I was the only one who noticed that," Zaharis laughs, appreciatively. "But just remember the real moral of the film, Carter. In a mutiny, all the enemy wears the exact same uniform, different from yours."

Reed nods, sighing, "Yeah, I remember that there was a mutiny, between the evil slick looking guy and the wise elderly leader with the 'Hot'" And he makes little airquotes with his fingers there, "Daughter who falls for the hero, and runs around the entire movie in heels and can do anything in them." He shakes his head, "Gods didn't those space skanky witches dance around a plasma ball?" He looks at Zaharis, "Even the first time I saw that I was thinking, "It's a frakking glass ball with charged gass and a little electricity, who gives a frak, what are you worshipping Sparky, the god of cheap desk toys?"

Zaharis laughs. "Yeah, those were plasma balls. And you know, thanks to this I'm now wondering if that private club over on the Destiny plays bad techno music and gives out hula hoops to dance with."

Reed bursts out laughing, putting a hand over his face. "If they have alien singers with two mouths and four eyes, I'm never setting foot on that ship again."

"Two mouths and four eyes? Aren't you thinking about Space Wars? Diiiiiifferent franchise, man." Zaharis finally exhales a long breath, still snickering every now and again. "Still, no better. Wonder if Fulton got that too, plus the shitty prequels."

Reed nods, "Space Wars, yeah." He looks at Zaharis and gestures, "You got the remote, scroll man, scroll."

"I'm frakking scrolling! Shit, you're worse than Rhea." Zaharis does indeed scroll, flipping down the long list of sci-fi titles. "Hey, there we go. Yup, look at that, all six of them. There goes my faith."

Reed grins at the list, "I don't know, this could be good for the future of the human race." He gestures. "We have to preserve the horrific mistakes of the past, to ensure that they never happen again. This qualifies."

"Dirty frakkin' shame. If I had a 40, I'd be pouring it right now." Zaharis grunts and keeps flipping, now out of sci-fi and into…romance. "Ah. So this is why Sloan came over here."

Reed smirks, "No she came over for the ice cream cups." He shrugs, "But I'm sure that she'll be enjoying the romance films. Gods, look at it. Tides of Love, Bridges of Cancerion, The Letter. This is sapping my testosterone just watching the titles go by."

"Gone with the Aerelon Wind. Damn." Zaharis looks pained, still scrolling. The cursor blinks each time it moves. "Remember when pretending to like this stuff actually increased your chances of getting laid?"

Reed nods, "Yep, I remember. Man, I guess it's just part of the whole game, you know. Dumb enough to think this would help."

Zaharis snorts quietly. "I don't know, it kind of worked sometimes. Though that was probably less the movie part and more the lying down in a dark room. Just convenient that the background noise happened to be cheesy music."

Reed nods, chuckling as he moves to take a seat, "Amazing, yeah. Hard to believe that as much as we make fools of ourselves, women still seem to enjoy it.

Zaharis smirks. "Yeah, well. They say nice guys finish last. Don't say anything about fools." He pauses a second. "Except that one and his money are soon parted. Which, in conjunction with women…yeah, I can see the relation."

Reed nods, listening, "Yes, there's likely formulae for that, but I don't care what it is." He smirks, "I'm just glad that we found the women we did."

Zaharis' expression sobers for a moment. "Yeah. Now if we could just get them to wear sheer robes and dance around a plasma ball…"

Reed smirks, "Rhea has the 8-Ball I gave her on her desk in Main Engineering, that count?"

Zaharis gahs, grimacing. "Man, no. Knockoff. I'm talking cinematic integrity here, you can't just like…walk all over that and throw a bunch of people in spandex costumes and floor buffers and play backwards footage from an old vid show and think that's cool. Use your head."

Reed slooowly looks at Zaharis, "did you just use the words 'cinematic integrity' in referance to the acting debut of Ab MeatCrunch?"

Zaharis narrows his eyes at Reed. "Flint Ironstag."

Reed quirks a brow, "Dirk ManMuscle."

Zaharis arches a brow right back. "Thick McRunFast."

Reed tsks, "Flash Buttclench."

"Tarik Regas." Zaharis pauses quickly. "Er….wait."

Reed splutterlaughs, "Oh, man." He claps a hand over his eyes, jerking back in his seat, in a seizure, "My minds eye! Damn you! Do no harm, damn you, Do no harm. Arrrgh!"

"What, nobody ever told you laughter was the best medicine?" Zaharis smirks, flipping through some last titles before pressing the off button.

Reed groans, "That wasn't laughter, that was a defense mechanism. I just saw the Commander, driving a floor buffer, in a stupid helmet, screaming then climbing out to let it collide with the bad guy in an inexplicable explosion."

Zaharis cracks up again. "Realise I'll never be able to sit through a command meeting with a straight face again."

Reed nods, "And it's your fault, you know. You did this to yourself."

"Hell no, this is your fault." Zaharis tosses the remote on the seat next to him. "I'm not the one with the theatre of corruption."

Reed snorts, pulling himself up, "Oh no, this is all you. But I'm going to have that movie burned onto a datachip, juust for you."

Zaharis grimaces "No, don't. I'll be too tempted to copy that chase scene and paste Regas' head in there. And then blame it on you." He sits forward on the chair, pushing his hands against the arms to stand.

Reed grins, shaking his head, "You would too." He takes his handheld, "Alright, take your pinched goods, and don't forget to tell Rhea what you want Engineering to do to my medical bay. they're getting ready to start refit work."

"We've actually done a pretty good number on her already. Engineering'll be very pleased at the work they don't have to do." Zaharis smirks, sliding out of the row to go grab his box, hefting the heavy thing up into his arms. "And we'll be back for the rest of our booty. Catch you later."

Reed lifts a hand, smirking, "I'm sure you will be Doc Pirate. Arr, off with ye."

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