Carter Papers 5

From the electronic Journal of Reed Jameson Carter, 60 ACH

Love and Hate

In that stage now, that 'What's she doing now? Is she thinking about me?' stage. Sappy, but wonderful at the same time. I know she'd laugh at me about it. Stupid, but sweet.

Quickest way to a womans heart is sometimes through the stomach too. for her? Burgers. Middle of the road type food you can get into and enjoy with both hands.

She gave me his books. She's right, the notes in the margins he left behind are sometimes better than the books themselves. Many mixed feelings. sorry I never knew him, wishing I had the chance, jealous of what he had. If things were different, our spouses would be a complete circle. Our child would be about Reeces age now.

Z and Adele. Strong there. That bond isn't likely to shatter. They need each other so much, and he accepts that, even if he stonewalls it from the outside. Z, the eternal brother, Adele, taking her first steps out of my old life in so many ways. We're the four now, each surviving our torments and holding together.

New people with the new Fleet. Upper crust Capricans, the people I was born into. Why are their motives so alien to me? So shallow? Why do I see their machinations and read it so easiely? The High Society I was born into seems too callow and trite now. Somewhere along the way, the false faces were burned off.

These people. The new fleet, so many people, almost three times the people we had, total, right there. And inside of an hour, thirteen dead. Pegasus only killed ten. There's a lot of work to be done. Repairing broken, burnt trust. Godsdamnit. One crazy man can do this, it's heartbreaking.

Back to the burgers, maybe that's why it all seems so fake to me now, loving a woman who is real enough to dive into a burger and tear it apart with joy in her. Always did it for me. Not a prim flower. Women made of marble are good for Temples, only.

Watching the store in CIC. Waiting step and fetch in the Command Chain for the actual lords of the Manor to return. Analyzing planets and waiting to make tactical deductions. Stopgap, catch-all expert. What else you going to do with me?

I wish I felt worthy of her. I wish I wasn't second best in her heart. She's my lover, and I still see his ghost in her eyes. Tauron men, I suppose.

Time moves on. Time will tell, sometimes it's the only thing that does. Hope is not dead.

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