Dane Ramiro's Journal, Entry 4, 52 ACH
It's been too long since I've written. Shame on me. Sounds defeatist to say (but not meant to be) but it's been weeks. I could die at any given time and it'd be a fairly quick read wouldn't it? This'll be an extra long chapter then. I'll be adding weekly.
Here's a list of events since then:
1. I've become a Sergeant.
When I first arrived I was a Lance. Now I'm a Sergeant and Squad Leader of the SST. For all I know I'm the only SST squad leader alive now, although I hold out some hope that some of us are out in the wild on the colonies, still fighting. We did a mission to Leonis and lost Lakis. The remainder of my squad at this point are Sergeant Hazzard, Private Ambrus, and Private Nately. The latter two are our spotters. Good folks they are, although Hazzard sometimes reminds me a bit of Gars, who has now managed to bust himself down to Corporal.
I now currently have a purple heart and two Colonial Navy Medals of Bravery. More on that later.
2. The Mission to Leonis
We lost Lakis there. She walked off of the escape boat and simply chose to die on her own terms. We can't go back and get her. I delivered her death note. There's details I can't explain, but it hurts…it really does. Sister Karthasi says that I'm right to mourn, I think she's right. It just hurts that my first squad leading out and instead of having to deal with a dead squadmate…I'm dealing with a MIA, assumed suicide by Cylon issue. Frak…that's so hard to swallow. When I was there I saved a girl's life. She was gunned down by Cylons to fall into a mass grave. She was dying. I crawled into the mass grave and pulled her out. She managed to stabilize.
We lost alot of people there, including Lieutenant Delko. Never thought it'd be him…
3. Duties
I've been placed to prepare a MOUT with Corporal Gars. Which, should be easy given his experience, but his ego and bitterness get in the way. It's a shame, he'd be such a useful beast on the battlefield if he wasn't so chaotic. Instead he does the dumb thing at the worst times. I managed to punch him out the other day during a discussion. Please, if you're reading this, don't think that I did it to be mean to the guy. I care for him. Well…I cared for him. That all changed today. But at the fight I told him that I wasn't going to let him piss his life and his career away. He tried to walk away from me. I decided he needed to hear it. Bam. Instant fight.
4. Survival
I'm starting to wonder what the deal is, because it feels like I'm throwing myself at bullets and they're bending around me. It's almost not fair, but it's not going to change who I am and what I do. To this day I've managed to survive being five feet from Cylons twice, almost having my arm sawed off, the mission to Leonis and climbing out of a mass grave, being lucky enough to be near the hangar when the PAS exploded, and managing to help save a few lives while trying not to get sucked out into space. I refuse to think I'm lucky or I've got something special. I refuse to think that I'm immortal. I can't refuse, though, that my ability to fight through the fear has helped people. Dear Lords watch over me, because I'm not going to stop.
5. Love…
I'm seeing someone, which is becoming a strange topic for me. I won't name names, perhaps my friends could read between the lines someday. Around the time of an earlier entry I had eyes for a few girls. One of them I have a pretty deep connection to this day. Nothing ever became of that. Well I met another girl, she's a fellow marine, enlisted. We hit it off and it's been pretty whirlwind. She's officially my girlfriend. Then, before this last mission, which…is a topic unto itself, I visited one of the girls of the past list. I'm still very fond of her. Nothing happened, but there was that awkwardness that's put me into a strange place. I'm feeling conflicted.
Worst of it all, I almost watched my girlfriend die today. Never thought it'd come to that. Maybe I was just being stupid. Maybe I might have to order her into a similar position where she might be killed for following orders that I have to give. As far as Sergeants go, if Skip and Trilox aren't there…I'm the man. When Gaelan ordered her to go after Gars and the Pandora Marines…I wanted to demand to go with her. Perhaps it was my bullet that cracked the glass that almost got her killed. Perhaps I nearly killed her myself following orders.
It hurts thinking about it. I might have to watch her die. She might have to watch me die.
I can't seem to shake this thought tonight.
6. Today
Today was worse than the mass graves. I am done with Gars. Period. No more. Done. My involvement with him is going to involve orders only but my ability to empathize or respect that son of a bitch is gone. I know I should be more compassionate, my parents would tell me to be, but he has trouble waiting for him in the afterlife and things are only getting worse.
While I was on the Hera (don't get me started on the Hera) we got a distress call from the Nebula that there was gunfire. According to someone on scene, Corporal Gars and some other Pandora Marines who I won't name, were facing an angry mob with pipes and sticks. Gars mentioned safeties off, and someone with a pistol shot and hit Skip. Gars opened up full auto, killing men and women in the mob.
He killed humans that might not have deserved to die. It's a long story, but they were scared of us. So Gars went and made us right.
Because of this the captain of the ship threatened to blow the Nebula. Because of this the bomb was disarmed but resulted in the bridge's glass shattering. Because of this, not only did I almost die, but I almost had to watch my girlfriend sucked out into the void through a two inch crack. It's a miracle that they lived.
I can't forgive this. I can forgive this. I…just don't want to. Damn my ethics. If he doesn't get airlocked for this, I wish he'd get discharged and never hold a pistol ever again.
7. Lastly…
I heard a mention of a skinjob today. Please…please let it be mass hysteria. Please let it be delusion. If these skinjobs exist, we won't need the Cylons to tear us to pieces. We'll tear eachother apart instead.
Lords bless us, so say we all.
-Dane.
