Four Pills

He never showed up. I'm sure there's a reason. But will he even tell me or just laugh it off and kiss me should I question?

Its my fault, I crossed the line. Showed up in his world, instead of letting him just sneak off to mine. Has he even told anyone? Maybe that will just make my decision all the more easier. I have six days left to make it. Six days to consider taking four little pills that would make all this just go away as if it never happened, and then I wouldn't feel guilty for feeling like I'm entraping him. Certainly wasn't my intent, and yet there it was on the ultrasound. A little blip. Fifty percent me, fifty percent him, and one hundred percent screwed.

Four pills. That's all it'd take. Two days off of duty, and I could just claim I had the flu. But can I be that selfish? One more soul still has to count for something, even if we just found seventeen thousand more.

So four pills on one side, a piece of paper folded up in my pocket on the other. Hope. Even in small doses, realizing you have friends, its still hope. Perhaps that's why Corporal Gars sent me over the edge. I don't remember ever reacting like that after a patient, but the man literally has no hope. I think I'll be seeing the whole of the marine corps parade through my office for eval. Maybe I'll just send off a form letter to Major Gaelan. They all have anger issues. Maybe that's why they are Marines.

I'm tired. I can't remember being so tired. The brief moments I catch my reflection in the toilet water, I look like a ghost. And then I see lunch, or dinner, or that cup of weak coffee I had come up again. Decaf. Tired of throwing up. So tired. Maybe I'll make my decision in the morning.

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