136 ACH

How many journal entries have I made in this stupid book? One hundred and Fifty? Twenty? As I flip through the pages I see the entries that were important to me in some way or another…My first modeling job when I was 13, how excited my family was to see my first lay out in the teen magazine. My graduation from college, my next spread in the sporting magazine…And I see my last entry about the war and its subsequent devastation. The knowledge of the loss of my entire family and the heart wrung, tear stained words which scored the pages. I suppose it has taken this long to heal. But there are some things I need to put down so I don't forget…can't forget.

His name is Hoy Aias and he has torn my life asunder.

I met him several nights back on the firing range and from the first moment, I have felt as though I was in one of the mining carts on Leonis. Unable to slow down, to move from this path, careening onwards.

He is a Sergeant, a Marine trainer. He is graceful, sensual, passionate, intriguing…oh, dear gods, passionate. I feel gauche around him, enamored, hedonistic, ripe for the picking. Each look, each moment with him is filled with wonder and I want him. I want him in every way I could have him. When I am around him, I ache. I actually ache to be everything to him, for him. A lover, passionate and sexual. A friend, a mistress. The gods alone know I would play the whore for him. He mesmerizes me, enthralls me and I feel actual lust for him. I feel in my heart I'll never be his one and only, but after living the life I have….I fear that I could…I would want to become his. And that scares the hades out of me.

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